If you are depressed over 9-11 and other scams, perhaps these satirical articles will cheer you up.

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S		 The CNN Suppressed Headline News

CIA Outsources Threatening Phone Calls

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The CNN
Suppressed Headline News
PainfulExpose

Painful Exposé Confiscated

2 Nov 2003, Atlanta, GA
While CNN was filming the final segment of a review of the book “Painful Questions; An Analysis of the September 11th Attack”, a group of FBI agents burst into the room, confiscated the video, and locked it up in the Suppressed News Vault at FBI headquarters.

The CNN report, Painful Exposé, now resides with Carl Cameron investigations; security camera tapes that show whatever hit the Pentagon during the September 11th attack; the original, unedited Zapruder film of the JFK killing; and other news events the US Government doesn't want us to know about.

A few hours later a team of heavily armed Homeland Security agents arrived to confiscate all copies of the book “Painful Questions”. The CNN staff was told to either keep quiet about the incident, or end up in Guantanomo Prison for experiments in mind-control.



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CIA Outsources Threatening Phone Calls

13 June 2004, Langley, VA

The CIA has become the latest victim of America's deteriorating economy. The CIA announced today that it will outsource all harassing and threatening phone calls to India.

According to a CIA spokesman, they could no longer afford to pay $6 per hour to Americans to make these harassing phone calls.

The main obstacle in setting up this call center in India has been finding Indians that did not have any trace of Indian or British accents.

"We've outsourced murder to mercenaries for years, but the language problem has made outsourcing of harassing phone calls difficult," a secret CIA spokesman told us over the phone.

During tests conducted in 2003, the CIA discovered that they must find Indians who speak perfect American English because an Indian accent made the calls appear humorous rather than frightening, and a British accent made the calls seem too intelligent and polite.

More than 1300 CIA agents will lose their jobs when the call center goes on-line in July 2004. Since none of those agents have any useful skills, most of them are planning to join the FBI or run for government office.

Disclaimer:

Since the behavior of the American government cannot be distinguished from comedy, the above reports could be true. Therefore, to prevent confusion, I want to let you know that this web page is only for amusement, although it is true that Carl Cameron had at least one of this investigations suppressed after it was broadcast, and the FBI really did confiscate security video of both the 9-11 attack and the Oklahoma City Bombing.

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