Peggy, August update
My Humor page

Television and music 
could be educational in addition to entertaining

23 August 2010
updated 28 August with a song (here)
Updated 4 September with my recording!  (here)
Updated 18 September:  I sing New World Coming (here)
Updated 25 September: A new version of  Devoted to You (here)

The television show "Wife Swap" (nothing sexual) switches wives in two dysfunctional families that are extremely different from one another. Each family is then forced to experience the radically different philosophy of the other dysfunctional family. This entertains the TV audience, and often the dysfunctional families learn to become less dysfunctional.

A more educational show would be "Honeypot Swap". For example, Oksana Grigorieva could move into my house to spend a couple weeks pursuing me, and Peggy Borger could move into Mel Gibson's house and spend a couple weeks pursuing him! This would help the TV audience learn about and avoid these type of traps.


"Reptilian Girls" 
There are lots of variations of Katy Perry's song "California Gurls" ( eg, Colorado and Minnesota) but the lyrics are silly. With Peggy continuing to send me crazy e-mail messages (one message from today, August 23, is here), we need an  informative variation to help people understand the danger of "Reptilian Girls".
I started to record "Reptilian Girls", but... 
I am not a "musical person" (I don't sing in the shower or while driving a car), and I've never tried singing a song before, other than the silly "happy birthday" song, so I assumed I would have to sing "Reptilian Girls" a few times before I got a recording that was worth posting. I expected it would take me about 30 minutes to get a useful recording.

So I downloaded the music to the song, but I was shocked to discover that without the words, it's just a simple tune that repeats over and over. I was confused! How do I know when to start singing? How do I know if I'm singing too fast or too slow?

I now understand why people want to see the lyrics when they do karaoke. I thought the lyrics were because they couldn't remember the song!

I was reminded of when I tried ice skating. I thought ice-skating would be easy because the professional ice skaters and hockey players make it look effortless. I was shocked to discover that ice skating was much more difficult than skiing on snow, and I understood why ordinary people struggle just to go around in a circle on an ice rink. I had assumed that the ice rinks were attracting dumb people who enjoyed going around in circles!

I was also shocked to discover that falling down on the ice hurt as badly as falling onto concrete. How do the professionals fall onto the ice and then quickly get up as if they had fallen onto foam rubber?

Anyway, I didn't bother trying to record Reptilian Girls, but I am curious as to whether I can do it, and what my singing will sound like, so I'm planing to give it a try. In the meantime, if you want some entertainment:

Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets!

Which possibility do you think will come true in regards to Hufschmid's plan to made a recording of "Reptilian Girls"?

1) He'll make a few attempts, give up, and then make plans to try acting in one of his Holocaust Denial Survivor movies.
2) He'll eventually record a song, but nobody will be able to listen to it without doing the "facepalm".
3) His singing will be "ordinary".
4) He will sing better than William Shatner.
5) Diana Ross will be so impressed that she asks him for personal singing lessons. 

Reptilians Girls 
[Verse 1] 
I know a race
that is only partly human.
You can't trust what they say,
cuz they're masters of deception.
Behavior so crude,
you may dismiss the accusations.
The cops
always fail,
try'na stop their giant network.

You could travel the world,
but nowhere is safe,
from this savage race.
Once you learn of their crimes,
you'll know why they're despised.
Oooooh oh oooooh 


Reptilian girls,
they're so despicable!
They can lie,
without any guilt.
Trust them once -
that's it!
The last mistake you'll make!
Oooooh oh oooooh
[Verse 2] 
I know a race,
ugly and diabolical.
Cant speak like us,
their envy's uncontrollable.
Wont help the world,
they love crime and destruction.

But now
we will win!
We've exposed their horrid network.

We'll soon travel the world,
and visit any place,
without fear of that race.
Once we kill all their whores,
We'll be safe to fall in love.


Reptilian girls,
deadly and treacherous!
They are whores,
but try to trap us.
Learn from those
they caught!
Become more suspicous!
Oooooh oh oooooh


Update, 28 August 2010:
My idea about the Reptilian Girls song inspired a musician to create Reptile Woman. Instead of imitating Katy Perry's song, he wrote his own tune and lyrics. He describes the tune as sort of a mix of Black Magic Woman, by Santana, and Riders On The Storm, by The Doors.
Reptile-Woman.mp3  2.9 mb    Lyrics are here

Update, 4 September 2010: The results of my attempt to sing!
I didn't have anything important to do this Saturday morning, so I decided to try singing that song. I thought it would be best if I first sing only the chorus, and then if I could do that properly, I would sing the entire song.

Since I have a difficult time remembering lyrics and tunes, I began by listening to Katy Perry's original song over and over while reading the lyrics to my version of it. However, without her music playing, I couldn't remember the tune, so I decided to play her song in headphones while I sing.

After about a dozen recordings I decided to combine one with the music and find out what it sounded like. I then discovered I have a major problem! I couldn't figure out where in the music my chorus is supposed to be located. I could figure out approximately where my singing belonged (plus or minus a few seconds), but it didn't seem to fit the music no matter where I put it.

I decided to download a karaoke version that had the words in the music. I thought that might help me place my singing properly, but that didn't do me any good, either! Music and singing are definitely not one of my talents!

The morning had just been wasted on this attempt, and I didn't feel like wasting my Saturday afternoon also, so I decided to stop trying to imitate Katy Perry and just sing the chorus without any music. I recorded about a dozen variations, and I experimented with different speeds and styles. Here is one:
Hufschmid-Reptilian-girl-chorus.mp3   290 Kb

Update,  18 September 2010: I finally recorded a song!
As I mentioned in part 5 of my Social Technology article about history, I like to determine my abilities and weaknesses. I heard a song by Cass Elliot a few months ago called the New World Coming. In my mind, I can sing just as good as she does. So I changed the lyrics a bit and decided to put myself to the test. However, after a couple hours of struggling, I came to the conclusion that there is no way that I can do what she does to the words "day" and "by" in this line (at 40 seconds into the song):
"With each day that passes by"

It was also impossible for me to sing the very last line the way she does. However, I accomplished (sort of) some of the "warbling" that she does. Next I'll do a song that men sing! By the way, I've come to the conclusion that I can't follow somebody else's tune, so I can't add music. The music would have to be created to fit my singing.

My version of New World Coming

Hufschmid-New-World-Coming.mp3  790 Kb

There's a New World Coming,
I can promise you my friend.
But it's not the "New World Order".
That one's coming to an end.

There's a new group rising.
You can see us if you try.
And we're growing larger,
with each day that passes by.

We could wake up every morning,
spend our day with people we trust.
We could have jobs that we love working,
we can do this, and we must!

So join this wonderful movement,
to make the life we all dream of.
Let's bring peace! Let's bring joy! Let's bring love!

Update,  19 September 2010:  A love song for the future generations
Most love songs are written for men who have just become infatuated with a woman. Very few relationships are still happy decades later, and this problem has been getting worse during my life. Not many people today even write or sing love songs.

However, the human race will improve. Eventually people will live in societies in which they get along with one another, and everybody will be able to find friends and a spouse that they are truly attracted to. In that future world, they'll need love songs for people who've been married for a long time. Here is my version of "Devoted to You" for those future generations. (If you've never heard this song, I love the way the Everly Brothers do it, and this man does the music by itself on an instrument I've never seen before. Of course, the women, such as Anges Chan, with their ability to "stretch" words, can outdo the men.)

This song was considerably less stressful than "Reptilian Girls" and "New World Coming", but I'm still not able to completely relax while singing, so I suppose that affects my voice. My struggling reminds me of the people on the television show Dancing with the Stars who don't seem very comfortable, either.

Incidentally, I discovered that I had to record the chorus separately. I couldn't make the switch between the main tune and the chorus and then back again. I'm not yet able to switch tunes in the middle of the song. So I recorded the chorus afterwards, and then inserted it. Singing is turning out to be an interesting experience. The professionals make it look so easy! I'll try one more song after this. Or maybe two.

Update,  25 September 2010: I added another verse
This time I managed to sing the entire song at once; I didn't have to do the chorus separately. I made about 16 recordings, and almost had it memorized by the last one, although I still had to glance at the words. (There's a pause after "I hope you don't mind" because I forgot what came next and had a look at the words! How long is it supposed to take to memorize such a short song?)

My version of Devoted to You

Hufschmid-Devoted-to-You.mp3  1.5  mb

Through the years our love has grown, 
like a patch of flowers that some angels had sown.
Our many years of pleasure have made me so,
Devoted to you.

Darling, I'm so happy that you're mine,
that I had to pause on our jouney through time,
just to take a moment and let you know that I'm,
still in love with you.

We've been in love for most of our lives.
I'm full of precious memories of you.
When I reminice I get tears in my eyes,
and we've got more years to look forward to!
Through the years our love has grown.
My bond with you is stronger than with anyone I've known.
Thoughts of you pop up so much, I never feel alone.
I'm so, in love with you.

Darling, as we continue life's adventure,
enjoying all the time that we spend together,
I hope you don't mind that I repeat over and over,
that I still do, love you.

Here is my first recording in case somebody wonders if I improved any:
Hufschmid-Devoted-to-You.mp3,  first version, 1 mb
Incidentally, it's very embarrassing to listen to my singing over speakers, but I don't mind listening to myself over headphones. Why would that be? Is that true for any of you, also? Maybe it's because my headphones do a better job of reproducing the sound.